BE ALERT IF YOUR CHILD • Appears to lose motivation • Gives up a favored activity • Displays perfectionist behavior (for example excessively studies for a short test or repeatedly copies assignments) • Drastically changes fundamental habits in eating, sleeping or self-care SAVE THE LECTURES Don’t harp on grades and college. Sometimes it’s best just to keep quiet. “Your teens may not want to talk to you when you want to talk with them,” advises Adolescent Counseling Service’s Roni Gillenson. “It’s important to stay open for whenever they do want to talk. The car ride seems to be a great time to chat. Be casual and curious.” Fusion Academy’s Christiana Martinez says watch the praise: “If a kid comes home with a great project, instead of saying ‘You’re amazing,’ say instead ‘Explain it to me.’ It’s then not that you’re the best but it’s what you do that’s important. That level of engagement is what will have them coming back to you.” QUIT THE HOMEWORK PATROL Many schools now have online grading and assignment systems. Withstand the temptation to frequently examine your child’s school record. “This causes parents to be reactive on a micro level; they lose sight of longterm growth,” warns Saint Andrew’s Erik Carlson. “Imagine, on a daily basis, a child needing to check in with a parent to see dozens of colleges are rampant. The South Bay is full of parents who expect their kids to follow in their footsteps and attend a “top” university. And teens face tremendous peer pressure. But it’s a simple math equation that more kids applying plus a stagnant number of Ivy League-level spots equals lots of disappointment. Yet kids and parents continue to push for more Advanced Placement classes and extracurricular activities. O’Hearn-Keck 64 South Bay Accent if he did OK. That is a source of stress.” Saint Francis High School resisted an online system for a long time, says Patricia Tennant, but settled on updating it once a week. “We have some parents who live online, trying to check if their child handed in homework. Kids need some independence,” she says. LIVE AND LET LIVE “What we’ve had to educate parents on is, ‘Please give your child time to live,’” says Dominic Liechti of German-American International School. “Downtime is key. Kids need time to reflect.” “Let them know that you love them, and set boundaries to help protect them from the worst stuff,” remarks Kehillah Jewish High School’s Michelle Greenberg. “It’s OK to let your kids fail. No, you don’t want them speeding down the highway at 90 mph, but if they turn in a paper that’s not good, let them learn from it.” ASK FOR HELP Anxiety stigma is fading. Many schools now have counselors on staff. Also check communitywide resources. For example, the Palo Alto Medical Foundation offers a class called “C.A.L.M. for Teens.” “Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed if you don’t know how to talk to your teen,” says Gillenson. “This is a very difficult age, and parenting is hard. Please reach out for support from other parents, professionals and groups. Remember, it takes a village.” A GUIDE TO STUDENT STRESS AWARENESS WHAT TO LOOK FOR, AND SOME TIPS FOR PREVENTING ACADEMIC ANXIETY says it makes her cringe when she hears young teens talk about “resume building.” Primping for the future is reaching lower down. At Saint Andrew’s, which offers pre-kindergarten though eighth grade, Carlson laments how “many students today live over-scheduled lives. As early as 10 years old, some are expected to choose between two or three competing interests in order to specialize in one. When they leave school, they may go to a year-round sport practice, take outside enrichment courses or specialty lessons, or have customized tutoring. This leaves them with little time for daydreaming (or) relaxing.” Denise Pope is a senior lecturer from Stanford University Graduate School of Education and a cofounder of Challenge Success, a nonprofit organization that studies student stress. College admission anxiety is still high, says Pope, which she finds frustrating since research shows that the right fit is more important than the brand name. “All that parental stress is really misplaced,” she says. But on the bright side, “Changes in admissions policies are slower than I’d like but faster than I’d have thought,” Pope says, pointing to the number of colleges now offering alternative application processes. High schools are in a difficult position since it’s financially beneficial to boast about the number of graduates going to college, especially big name institutions. But they know that if every parent expects his or her child to attend Harvard, that means lots of unhappy customers. Parents—and hence kids—remain stubborn. “It seems every year, Stanford claims to change something about admissions, but do they really?” asks one Los Gatos mom. “It seems that they admit the same driven, perfect kids, with tons of extracurriculars, so it’s hard to believe them.” That logic isn’t news to Pope. “Parents say to me that until the admissions process changes, we’ll keep up the craziness. But I say, as a parent, you don’t want to do that.” Educators are trying to bring expectations in line with reality and get the word out that there’s more than a handful of great colleges. “We do publish where our kids go to college,” says Saint Francis’ Tennant. “We’ve seen the list broaden. We now have more than 130 colleges come here to visit so our students can see a broad spectrum of schools.” At Palo Alto Prep, “we push the idea that there’s a right school for you, and you don’t have to go only to Stanford or Cal,” says O’Hearn-Keck. “What seems to work is to let kids breathe and know that they still will go to college.” “You can have expectations but you need to be reasonable,” remarks Taylor. “In my opinion, the perfect college is the one they get into.” MAKING SPACE “Parents love to talk about grit and resilience,” says Pope. “We say there is a big SHUTTERSTOCK
South Bay Accent - Feb/Mar 2015
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