April/May 2016 63 SHUTTERSTOCK EAT, PLAY, THRIVE Putting in family time bolsters your kids’ happiness. BAY AREA EXPERTS have two words for Silicon Valley parents. Lighten. Up. The push for perfection is propelling kids into high anxiety and unhappiness, according to happiness researcher Christine Carter. “Pushing kids and overscheduling them is not teaching them to be happy,” she says. At least a quarter of students at elite colleges are on medications for depression and anxiety. “If we don’t teach them what they need for their emotional health and well being, they don’t thrive in these elite schools that we’ve pushed so hard to get them into.” Carter’s book, “Raising Happiness,” outlines 10 ways to raise happier kids that reflect the basic ways most experts say will make anyone happier (see main article). Her main advice for parents: “Be ridiculously unambitious.” That is, lighten up on yourselves as well; you do not have to take on all 10. According to her research, following any one of those steps will raise the level of children’s happiness. Below, a sampling of three from her list. PUT ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST Focus on your own happiness first, because kids learn how to be happy from their parents, Carter advises. “Begin wherever you are and start scheduling things for yourself that will improve your own mental health and promise to make you happier,” Carter says. “So when your kids see you spend time with friends, and that makes you happy, they will learn that social ties and friendships and time with your family is a good ticket to happiness.” Kids will also pick up modeling self-care like getting enough sleep and exercising, she adds. “If they see you never give yourself any downtime ever, and you just run around sacrificing your own needs for everybody else’s and your work and whatever else you’ve got going on, they will learn to do that.” EXPECT EFFORT AND ENJOYMENT, NOT PERFECTION Carter used to encourage her kids with positive statements, like “You’re so brilliant!” until her research showed that certain statements actually cause children to underperform in the long run, and can cause anxious feelings. They can also breed perfectionism, which leads to bigger issues. She tells parents to avoid what she calls “fixed mindset” statements about talents and personalities, and instead embrace “growth mindset” strategies that help children believe that success is about effort, not just aptitude. Focus on what children are learning and the fun they’re having. “I know you can do it if you put your mind to it” is one example. EAT DINNER T OGETHER The mom of four teens, Carter swears by eating dinner together as a family unit several times a week. “First of all, it’s downtime. They learn to take a break to eat, they learn their parents take a break to stop and eat and be present to them, and there will be no phones and no screentime,” she says. “They learn that they are a part of something larger than themselves, and that is your family.” She acknowledges eating dinner together is a lot of work, “but it’s totally worth if for their development and for our continued connection with them.”
South Bay Accent - Apr/May 2016
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